10 Steps To Have An Affair

Updated: Nov 28, 2019

In our first book, “The Sandwich Shop”,  we told the story about a man flirting with an affair represented by a very dangerous woman, Dosa.

When I reflect on the many conversations I have about marriage with people from all walks of life, male and females the conversations range from lighthearted to very serious.

In this blog post, I want to tackle one of the weightier issues I have discussed, adultery, from a different vantage point…How To Have An Affair…This is not at all what you might think, but listen close, it might help you or somebody you know.

Step 1: Be damaged or have internal, unresolved issues within you:

  1. It has been estimated that 90-95% of all issues we face or deal with as adults were planted in us as children.   That’s right, the thing that might lead you to cheat on your spouse has a root and was more often than not planted in you before you even knew your spouse

Step 2: Hold your spouse accountable for the fruit that was produced by these seeds and withdraw:

  1. There will be times when your spouse, or others, will inadvertently feed/water these seeds that they were unaware of having been planted

  2. Not only did your spouse not know about the seed, you never offered any transparency about the seed for them to learn

Step 3: Build a relationship with someone outside of your marriage that you believe understands you and your needs:

  1. This is very important because this person must offer something that you believe your spouse does not or has neglected.  Pay no attention to the fact that the only reason this person seems to be capable of meeting your hidden need is because you have disclosed a need to them that you have not disclosed to your spouse

  2. Double standards are in full effect here…your spouse should automatically know this about you, but your new-found friend just gets it…sure they do, they listened to you tell them explicitly, what you have said to your spouse cryptically if at all

Step 4: Become indebted yourself to your new-found friend…so that sexual or emotional commitment…payment…is due

  1. Of course, they met all of your needs, why shouldn’t you commit?

  2. Whoops, they only have to meet your needs a couple of hours at a time, your spouse, not so much, only like every day

  3. Of course, it is easier to talk to someone who has no other commitments or shared responsibilities to you

Step 5: Lie to yourself.

  1. Tell yourself that nothing is wrong with this…it’s better for your marriage because now you have an outlet…that your spouse has probably done the same thing…that you will leave your spouse and this person will be there for you forever

  2. Go ahead, believe your own lie and the lie of the devil…justification

Step 6: Lie to your spouse about your new-found friend and state of mind

  1. The more you tell the lie, the better it sounds, but it is hard to escape the internal truth that you are now someone you desire not to be and in the process have become worse than or equal to the person you accused your spouse of being

Step 7: Believe in your own ability to keep you from falling and making the payment

  1. Sure…after all you are strong…it’s innocent…I believe in God

Step 8: Meet with your new-found friend in non-public places

  1. Sure…nothings going to happen

  2. This is not what it looks like

Step 9: Cheat

  1. Yup, you didn’t come this far by faith and surely you were not leaning on the Lord…you were trusting in the words of your new lover…you hadn’t cheated yet

Step 10:  Let guilt set in and do it again

  1. The trap has been set and now it is not what your spouse who is keeping you in this cycle, but your real new lovers, guilt, and shame

There you have it…if you want to cheat, there is nothing your spouse can do to stop you and there was nothing your spouse did to drive you.  It all started long ago and you refused to get help.

Simple advice about cheating…DON’T DO IT!  The promise of sin is never worth the cost!