Updated: Nov 28, 2019
This is a letter that most men wish they could write, so I have written it for them. I’m sure some will understand, but others will not. They will see the surface and not the deeper cry. Either way, it does not change what he is saying. Men are dying right in front of your eyes wives and you don’t even recognize it. Take heed, look slowly down at your hand and drop the blood stained knife.
This is a letter that I have been contemplating writing for a long time. I’m not really sure where I want to start, what I want to say. I am so full, yet so empty at the same time.
I have struggled and I’m not really sure what to say, how much or how little. How do you tell a person you care so much about, love so much that you are losing all energy? Energy to fight, energy to consider, energy to stay. How do you tell that person that their silence and passiveness or acts of aggression are killing you without them believing somehow that there is something else at play?
I have tried. I’m not really sure what you are waiting on, but I sense it is something. I’m bleeding and I’m not sure that you really notice or even worse care. Perhaps you want to care, you want to notice, but you are trapped by your own struggles. However, I fear that by the time you see what you are waiting on or awaken to my pain, I will no longer be interested and my life as a husband spent.
Somehow I believe God is allowing me to engage in the activities that I do, writing, reading, speaking, working, playing, as a means to help me cope, cleanse and cling to hope, but I’m tired. I feel myself losing grip. My fingers becoming numb from the tension caused by barely holding on and wondering how much longer before I lose my grip?
Perhaps God is allowing me to be distracted while he works with you…but surely he knows how close I am to the breaking point. Surely he sees my well of tears and bevy of silent screams. I am bereft of emotion, like a rudderless ship.
I find myself, in the back of my mind, analyzing where I went wrong and how I can do better the next time, because I have little belief that we will make it much longer in this condition. But a thought crosses my mind, will there be a next time? Will I ever marry again? But what else would I do, I’ve been a husband for so long that I don’t know how to be anything else.
At the same time I feel like a fake, telling others what to do to fight for their marriage, but not seeing the fruit in my own. Maybe I need to remind them that in order for it to work, both people need to be in the fight. I’m tired! The ring is a lonely place to be alone and each day it seems to be getting smaller. As it closes in, I realize there is little space left to manuver. The fight is exhausting, but somehow the strength to take another swing is there.
There are days I find myself considering other women. Women who might actually appreciate me, respect me and consider me. This is foolish I know. Anyone can pay me attention for a short period of time with the proper motivation, but only wives have the ability to do it for a long time.
You may be saying to yourself as you read this, “But I love you, why else would I still be here?” Well to answer your question, surely love is not the only thing one would consider when staying. Perhaps the kids. Perhaps the comfort of the known verses the unknown. Maybe in your statement you thought that you were reassuring me of your love, but it actually made it clearer that it is diminishing. Your actions are clear, they are sending a message. Perhaps it is not one that you are intending to send, but out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks…or perhaps the actions speak.
I take responsibility, because one thing I am learning is that husbands and wives have the ability to break each other. Often what ends up broken is the very thing that made them fall in love with each other, which is unfortunate, because it is this break that a person is least likely to recover from without some sort of permanent damage. It is not my desire to think this way, but I have a pain on the inside that sometimes impacts my thinking. Long days at work, mostly distracted with thoughts of you. Thoughts of better days and thoughts of the reality of present days.
Sex, you might be thinking, I still have sex with you. Consider one thing as you think that, there are people who make a living by having sex. Thus sex, without connection, is just a physical act. How rejected I feel, even in that act. Something that should be enjoyable and treasured, leaves me feeling even more broken, praying for God to take my desire for you away from me.
There are days I wonder, “What if she is having an affair?” Well that would be painful and a relief at the same time. Painful, because I still love you so, a relief because then I would know and can move on to a complete healing process instead of this constant cycle of slowly inflicted wounds.
You may ask, “Why would you think such things of me? Why question my integrity in such a way?” Consider your actions and your history. The only people who keep secrets are those who have something to hide. And perhaps this is not the secret you have, but in the absence of transparency and changing behavior, one is left to guess.
However, out of all of this, the most painful part is that in your mind you are still reacting to and living with a version of me that no longer exists. You are still arguing with that man in your mind, holding him accountable. You are reacting to a man who once did not pray about everything or at least did not follow the guidance of God in every way. That man is no longer. That man has grown and become a different man all together. Now a man who has awakened to his purpose and his call is standing in front of you begging for your love, respect, attention and consideration. A man who now understands how he is supposed to impact the world. Sorry, I wish he would have gotten here sooner, but the process to mold him took time. Perhaps all of this is one of the consequences of growth and being out of sync as one.
You will never read this letter, you will never get the chance to really understand my pain. I will continue to move on being the father, husband, man, and minister that God has called me to be. Hoping that I still have life in me to love you the way you deserve if ever you decide to follow what God has instructed you to do, but you continue to argue with him in prayer about! You will never know that I am dying and you are the only suspect. I pray they acquit you and that you may grow and learn from your trial. I am here, I am waiting, but I am tiring!
Sincerely and Lovingly
A Broken Husband
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