Silent Apologies

Updated: Nov 28, 2019

Rita was furious!  “Why do I have to beg you to change the light on my car?” she yelled at Antonio.  “Do I have to get a ticket first before you change it?”  He turned around quickly and glared at her, but decided not to say anything and continued to walk towards the door.  She fired again, “So that’s all I get…the silent treatment?  If you don’t want to change it just let me know and I’ll call my brother or have someone else change it.”

Antonio turned around again, but this time he did not hold he tongue.  “Do you ever listen to me?  You always have to take it too far.  I have told you that the dealership does not have the light in stock.  I have called them a couple of times and they told me it would not be back in stock until Friday.  Today is Wednesday!  You had to have this high end car and this is the cost.  You can only purchase the headlights through them.  They don’t sell them at the local auto part store or Walmart.  What is it with you Rita?!” he shouted.  With those words he left the house and headed to work.

After calling the dealership and confirming what Antonio had told her, Rita finally accepted what her husband had told her as true.

Around lunch Rita called Antonio and she could tell he answered the phone with reluctance.  “How’s your day handsome?”, she said.  “Good.” Antonio responded.

“Just good?  What do you have planned for the weekend?” Rita asked.  “Look Rita, I’m going to change the light as soon as I get it, no need to plan my “honey do” list for me, ok?” he snapped.

Rita didn’t say anything in response to his tone, but simply wished him a continued good day and let him know what she planned to cook for dinner and then ended the call.

Later when Antonio arrived home he as greeted at the door by Rita.  She was dressed in a navy blue negligee with no underwear.  On the table was his favorite meal and she hinted at what to expect for for dessert.

Antonio devoured his entire meal, including dessert.  That night he slept well in the arms of Rita and all was right with the world.  In the morning Antonio got up early to leave for a meeting at work, but not without leaving a few gifts on the nightstand for Rita.  A gift card to her favorite coffee shop, shoe store and $200 for whatever she could find to use it for.

Unfortunately, the story of Rita and Antonio plays out all too many times in marriages.  Above is the story of what I call the “Silent Apology.”  It is a dangerous practice in marriage and easily goes undetected.  At the root of the silent apology is pride and arrogance. 

The silent apology for men and women looks different, but they have the same outcome…feeding pride and arrogance and avoiding communication about marital issues.

The silent apology of men is usually marked by the parting of his wallet and for women it is marked by the parting of legs.

Here is the fall out…when a man apologizes by parting his wallet he is saying that he believes his wrongs can be corrected by money or the emotions of his wife can be purchased by money.  When she accepts this apology she reinforces this belief and further hinders true communication.  Additionally, she is pricing herself.

When a woman apologizes by parting her legs, she is saying to her husband, sex should satisfy his emotional needs and communication is not important.  When he accepts this apology he is cheapening the sexual experience with his wife.

At the end of the day silent apologies create a spirit of prostitution within the marriage.  He figures out the pricing structure and she figures out services needed.

Creating a spirit of prostitution in your marriage is very dangerous, because it leaves one glaring problem.  What happens when he can’t pay enough or she can’t offer anything new?  Eventually, a search begins for a new ‘customer’.

Although new customers may be found, guess what is still present?  You guessed it, pride!

I am not saying there is anything wrong with apology gifts or makeup sex, but they should not happen prior to communication about the issue that caused the apology to be necessary in the first place.